You're fresh out of college, or possibly in your last year. You're worried almost all the time because, face it, your only excuse to do nothing in life, is going to be taken away from you. Once all of this is over, you will have to hunt for a job, or prepare to study further. Either you still thrive on your parents' money, no matter how bad you feel about it (or don't, not applicable to everyone), and continue to pave a way for yourself in academics, or decide that it's time when you take matter in your own hands, and will earn money for your own booze. In terms of all the counselling people who take shit-loads of money to tell you things you already know about, now is the time you make 'an important career choice. A decision which will determine your future.' Bullshit.
The only thing that's certain in your future is continuous pressure. Pressure, to study further, or get a job, because you are a boy, sir. Nitthalla ghar mein kab tak baitha rahega, kuch kaam dhanda karega bhi ke nahi. Pressure to get married, whether you study further or you dont, either way there's no respite from this nonsense, so that maa-baap apni zimmedari se mukt ho, as if we ever put this responsibility over you. Pressure to excel, pressure to be the best. Pressure to outdo everyone, coz this world is too fast, and you have to run faster than Usain Bolt to stand out. Pressure to do awesome, pressure to be perfect. But, what if I don't want to be perfect and all those brilliant things?
I don't want to be your daughter. I don't want to live watching every step I make, and constantly keep worrying about how me doing anything wrong is going to hurt your pride or name in the society. I don't want to be that girl, who's wedding day you start planning as soon as she is born, and I don't want to excel in all the places you want me to, so that I get married into a wonderful household, with a husband who's as educated as I am, or more. I don't want to be the daughter who makes you so proud or who's so responsible, that you say, "she's not our daughter, she's our son."
I don't want to be your son. I don't want to be the chip on your shoulder or the apple of your eye, when I'm born. I don't want to be weighed down with responsibilities way before my time or be constantly reminded of the things that I'm supposed to do because of my anatomy. I don't want to be the one who brings joy and money into your house when I come of age, or the one who will be judged when I decide not to live with you, and have a life of my own. I don't want to be not allowed to cry whenever I wish to, or crack under pressure, because "big boys don't cry."
I don't want to be the exemplary sibling who's above the rest, because of a few achievements, even when I'm not any better than you. I'm just the same as you are. I make mistakes too, like you do, and maybe I made the same mistakes when I was your age, but I learnt my lesson, and so will you. I don't want to be the teacher's pet who is favored or given extra marks or who tops the class. I don't want to be the smartest person in the room, and I don't even care about who is.
I don't want to be the one who gets things easy, because of gender or circumstances. I don't want to be someone who gets things that they don't deserve. But I don't want to be deprived of the things that are rightfully mine, whether it's acknowledgement or respect. I don't want to be your morning light, and the moon of your night. I don't want to give you the authority to be all of those things in my life. I don't want to be told what to do, or what to wear or how to behave. I don't want to be settled, I don't want to stop exploring.I don't want to care.
I don't want to conform to anything because of my biology. I don't want to beautify myself or work on improving my appearance because you don' like it. I don't want to worry about what others think, or what they say behind my back, or even in front of me. I don't want to agree with your opinions, because I don't, and I don't want to stay quiet even when I have a voice. I don't want to make a change or do something extraordinary that shakes the world. I don't want to be a great being or an asset to the society. But, I don't want to be another forgotten page in anyone's book, too. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to please anyone, either.
I don't want to think about the future and worry about where life takes me. I don't want to be directionless, either but I don't want to be sad about being indecisive at the moment. I don't want to succumb to the constant pressure everyone put son us, and I don't want to pressurize and push myself over nothing. I don't want to achieve anything and everything, and I don't want to be called a loser for letting things pass. I don't wish to have all things my way, but I don't want to follow your way if it doesn't suit me. I don't want to dominate the world, or be dominated by it. I don't want to be afraid of anything, and I don't want to be feared, too.
I don't want to be all the things that you think I am or that you expect me to be. I don't want to limit myself, and not explore my fullest potential. I don't want to lose my identity in the process of being your version of amazing. And more than anything else, I don't want to grow up! And I refuse to do so!
To quote Gavin DeGraw,
"I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than ME."
